Young People - Sex and the Broken Society

"Epidemiology is like a bikini. What is revealed is interesting. What is concealed is crucial." 

Huge apologies to whoever said this, as I don't have a source. But just bear it in mind as you consider how you feel when you read hysterical headlines about teenage pregnancies 'rocketing' in Britain? If you are a young adult, doesn't this make you feel a bit picked upon? As though you're being spied upon? Maybe you feel worried and a little threatened? 

If you are a parent, don't you feel as though you are a failure? 

What the newspapers aren't saying is that almost everywhere in the world, (according to a study from The Lancet) most people first have sex between the ages of 15 and 19. And as or our teen pregnancies, many other, more sensible newspapers and sites are reporting that in fact, in the UK, there has been a 'slight rise, for the first time in five years.'

Men are more likely to start having sex before girls or young women do, and there is no discernable worldwide trend towards more sex at an earlier age. More people are having what might be called pre-marital sex, particularly in the West, where it is also more likely that people will have more partners, however monogamy is still the dominant type of relationship. And finally, in countries where women are increasingly likely to marry young, they are less likely to first have sex before marriage. 

(As an aside, in many countries, marriage actually just used to be defined as the act of two people living together, or having mated. Which confuses things slightly. Under this definition, pre-marital sex is still possible if you are both living in your own respective parents' or carers' houses, but if you're living with the person then it can't be pre-marital sex. A bit like 'insanity', marriage is really a legal state.)

We often hear about sex being treated as a commodity. Seeing first experiences being documented like this is enough to make you wonder who exactly is using sex as a commodity? Young people who are finding out about themselves, their changing bodies and attitudes? Or the newspapers, who, as newspaper sales are hit hard by the digital age, are increasingly desperate to write attention-grabbing headlines with little factual foundation? 

It is important to remember that for a young person, one of their rites of passage is to claim ownership of their bodies. A lot of parents start out (naturally) feeling that they 'own' their children. As children grow and develop, the whole basis of how they can turn out in later life is to do with how they negotiate with their parents or carers over their need for more freedom, over their own bodies and over where they go, how long for and with whom. In this context, it is hugely important that children and young people do not just see sex as a physical act - it is a complex, multilayered process, to do with identity, past history, social situation and confidence, that, not unlike electricity, has a history of having been treated as a commodity, but that in fact should perhaps be quantified (or qualified) in other ways. 

Many of the papers bang on about 'how sex should not just be an act' and then go on to treat it as just that by counting the numbers of occasions it has taken place and the number of partners that an 'average' young person in the UK might have had. 

In fact, sex is one of the most difficult things to quantify. You can talk about the male orgasm and say that if ejaculation has taken place in one (or all) of a number of areas, a sex act might have taken place. But what about the female orgasm? What about young women who can have intense feelings that are almost orgasmic without them having even been touched? What about when sex takes place in the head? What about penetration without ejaculation? What about orgasms that are so mechanical it's as though a person doesn't experience them?

In fact a lot of sex takes place in the head, and is to do with how people feel about themselves (not surprisingly). Not to do with 'part a had x effect on part b'. 

Let's stop counting partners and penetration and start thinking about how to make young people feel more confident about taking ownership of their bodies and minds. 

If you are a teacher, you will know how important it is to have 'high expectations' of the young people that you are in touch with. It is also important to use statistics wisely. Teenage pregnancies might be on the increase in Britain, but it's not necessarily for the reasons being quoted, or with the assumed associated behaviours of increasingly younger first sexual contacts. In order to help young people it's definitely important to understand what's going on, and not be led by a few columnists (and, to be fair, many concerned people as well) who wield statistics like untrained mercenaries. 

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How do I choose a Counsellor or Psychotherapist?

Calls to counsellors and therapists are on the increase, as we are subjected not only to stories about the trouble that we are in economically, socially and generally, but also as jobs are lost, debts suddenly become unmanageable and it all gets too much for us. Families and marriages can be put under almost intolerable pressure as financial problems lead to divided opinions on what are basically your living priorities.

However, some of us are put off from asking for help by the fact that it’s almost impossible to choose a complete stranger to whom we know it’s possible we might end up baring our souls.

For those with little or no money, in fact, choosing a counsellor isn’t a problem; there is no choice. The first route to ending up in counselling can be by going to see your doctor and telling them you’re depressed and can’t cope. In many ways, this is the easiest option – you should be referred to an NHS counsellor who will contact you and give you a list of times at which you could come for an initial appointment. No decisions to make over who and what, but a few over when and why and how.

Some might hesitate at this point. The appointment times can be difficult. Many of us under pressure are in this position because we literally have no time. We’re working two or more jobs, we have children, we work compressed hours or whatever, and the hours for appointments can seem a little unforgiving. You can ask for time off work to see a counsellor, but we are in a period where we feel under scrutiny from our employers. It’s easy to feel that we are being watched, and it has to be said that many employers, still make negative and insensitive remarks about depression that make you feel like you would rather run a mile than say you want time off to see a mental health professional.

So, don’t panic. (Even if you suffer from panic attacks.) In fact, although I wouldn’t advocate the use of anti-depressants or tranquilisers alone, seriously, it can be worth chatting to your doctor about your fears, and getting a short-term prescription (if they feel this is appropriate) for anti-depressants or tranquilisers, that will help you to take the deep breath that you might need in order to talk seriously to yourself, not your employer, about your needs.

Look at it this way. You want to earn money. You want to do this the best way you can. Whether or not you like your job, most of the problems you face at work (if you do) will be as a result of the relationships you have with people there. The way in which you relate to people can very much be influenced by factors that you will probably end up discussing with your counsellor. Do whatever it takes to get that first appointment, unless you know that it could seriously threaten your job. Don’t feel bad about phoning in sick, or saying you have a family emergency. Sometimes the end justifies the means. You could be taking the first step that, over time will make you a better and more confident and more productive worker. (Though saying ‘more productive’ kind of sounds a bit Victorian slaver-driver.) Get that appointment, however silly you feel and go, and discuss things.

I will be writing more on what a first session can feel like, but now I’m going to talk about what to do if you haven’t been referred by your doctor.

So you’re in the position of having to actually choose from a selection of counsellors either thrown up by Google or found from the Yellow Pages, or maybe given to you by a friend. I’m going to list a number of things to think about that might help in making that final choice.

In fact research has shown that rather than using check-lists to decide whether or not to choose one option over another, using our intuition can often lead to making a good choice. In the meantime, while you decide whether to trust your intuition (after all, if you’re depressed, you might feel you’ve made some bad choices in the past, and have low self-confidence), here are some factors to take into consideration:

Think about the location of your counsellor: Maybe you don’t have your own transport, or you need to get back in time to get the kids from the childminder, or to pick up from school. Unless you’re very worried about ‘being seen’ choose someone near to you. The less obstacles there are to seeing your counsellor, the more likely you are to go, if you decide they are right for you. Counsellors themselves can be nervous about seeing very local people. (They won’t say this though.) Don’t be surprised if in the future, you bump into your counsellor, outside your session, and they aren’t chatty. They are there for you professionally, and one of the ways they do their job best is by NOT being your friend. Friends have opinions, and are involved in what you do. Counsellors and therapists have a valuable objectivity which means they see you without as much prejudice as your friends do.

Type of counselling:

Ok, I’ll be honest here. I have two degrees, and I still get caught out and ask myself ‘what the hell is that?’ when reading about a type of therapy. It might help to try to understand a little about therapeutic approaches. It’s quite normal to think when your counsellor says ‘I’m a … whatever counsellor’, ‘Well does that work, or not?’ In fact there are a lot of different ways to approach helping people. Yes, they have been tested, but it’s quite difficult to collect data on what helps or not. What is quite evident though is that just seeing and talking to someone who is focussed on you, for an hour of your time, that is yours alone, is helpful in itself. (That’s also why, even if you’re a first-time mum with a baby from whom you don’t want to be separated, it’s still good to get child care just for that hour.) So, if you can, find out a little about different types of therapy, and then at least you know what they’re talking about. Then if you know what you want, check the counsellor’s profile to see if that’s what they offer. Most will offer a mix. Cognitive Behavioural Therapy is very popular (and mostly, effective, at present.)

On the other hand, don’t worry too much if you’re not pre-armed with this information. They are still there to help you, and you alone – when a mechanic fixes your car you don’t really need a degree in engineering so you understand how they’re doing it.

Professional Accreditation:

Would you like to see a counsellor/psychotherapist who is a member of a professional body? If they are, they will make it clear on their profile. BACP is definitely good. There are degrees of affiliation: registration, accreditation and membership. However, there is still the possibility that an unqualified person could help – there are natural and sympathetic listeners out there, and being a member of a professional body doesn’t guarantee success. However, unless you are a risk-taker, (in which case you will need to look at this another way), there is less risk attached to seeing someone who is a member of, or linked to, a reputable organization.

Your Counsellor's Qualifications:

Ask for your counsellor’s qualifications. Ask how long they studied and whether full or part-time, whether from home and with what institution.

Fees:
Fee can be variable. They can depend on the location and the experience of the counsellor. Some are open to negotiation. If you don’t have much money, they might even offer you the very difficult option of paying ‘what you can afford.’ This is enough to send you over the edge in itself. What if you’re seeing them because you overspend? It’s going to be difficult to talk openly about how you spent a grand on a handbag you couldn’t afford, if you also have to tell them you can only pay ten pounds an hour. Anyhow, fees can vary from free to around £90 per 50 minute session. On average, expect to pay about £35 - £45 per 50 minute session.

Finally:
Deciding to go to counselling or psychotherapy is a massively important step for you to have taken.  Now, take your time, and try to get a feel for what you want, before making the decision about who to choose. You don’t have to stick to the person you first end up seeing. You don’t have to tell them everything all in one go. You can use the first session just to gauge their response to you. Remember they won’t respond as a friend does. You might be telling them about something quite traumatic and feel short-changed if they don’t respond as you expect. Remember they are there to help you, not to collude with your mood. They are not there to feel your feelings (although some will), they are there for you to talk to them without fear of judgement. Just think about how good it is to talk into an empty space, and then rather than focussing on whether you like them or not, walk away at the end of the session and take time to reflect on how you feel afterwards. Counselling isn’t just about what happens in the 50 minutes, but on the impact of that shorter hour on the rest of your life. You might feel angry or impotent during the session and then find that the rest of your week goes more smoothly than you expected, or that you find yourself taking steps you didn’t expect you would – like trying to address a debt problem, or deal with a difficult boss, or a marriage problem, in a slightly different way than you have before. Most of all, you should remember you have a space and time that is your own.

More on debt and depression

 

New Year's Eve

No I’m not cashing in on all the hype that starts around now, but thinking about what can be a very hard time of year for many people. 

Everyone asks, ‘What are you doing for New Year’s Eve?’ and their response to your response (usually in my case, a shame-faced mumble) can lead to crashing feelings of inadequacy and worthlessness.  There is a huge amount of pressure on us to have a good time, and the gap between what we’re actually feeling and what we think we should be feeling can make the lead-in to the New Year incredibly miserable.

My friend, Steve, at 39, reckons that the pressure can be intolerable. ‘At this time of year, I just want to go and hide. I’m newly single, missing my children, I’m worried about what my ex-wife is doing, and other single people are trying to get me to go out with them, or sign up for an incredibly expensive celebration somewhere, and I really don’t want to.  I can’t afford it anyhow. I can’t bear to be with other couples at the moment – our friends have been really nice and have tried not to take sides, but I can’t bear to see them together. And I’m scared of letting them see that. I’m feeling a lot of pressure and it’s getting worse as the date approaches.’

Not only are there social pressures, but these inevitably will lead to psychological pressures. There is an awful lot of talk about renewal at this time of year. A nauseating amount of pink oozy sweetness flowing from the self-help corner, aimed at ‘enabling’ and ‘transforming,’ ‘facilitating,’ etc etc. You know the kind of thing. (My site is possibly slightly guilty of this.) Makes you want to vomit (unless that happens to be your thing in the first place, in which case it should make you want to not vomit. Or, not to want to vomit.) 

So, suddenly, suddenly, suddenly, we are to transform ourselves, into better, thinner, kinder, non-chocolate-eating, non-expulsive, non-smoking and non-drinking, non-spending, non-fucking, non-grumpy people. What is it about all these self-help books and articles that makes you want to go out and commit terrible acts, possibly even to the authors of these books? 

A great article in the Times yesterday, by Alain be Botton, ‘Seeking words of wisdom,’ considers the fact that in the old days, self-help books, such as those written by Boethius or Marcus Aurelius were a bit more down to earth about what we can expect from life. 

I think Marcus Aurelius might possibly have been talking about how to cope with New Year’s Eve, here:

“When you let yourself feel resentment at a thing, you forget that nothing can come about except in obedience to Nature; that any misconduct in the matter was none of yours; and moreover, that this is the only way in which things have always happened, will always happen, and always do happen. You are forgetting, too, the closeness of man’s brotherhood with his kind; a brotherhood not of blood or human seed, but of a common intelligence; and that this intelligence in every man is God, an emanation from the deity. You forget that nothing is properly a man’s own, for even his child, his body, his soul, all come from the same God; also that all things depend upon opinion; also that the passing moment is all that a man can ever live or lose.” (Translation by Maxwell Staniforth.)

I think that Marcus might have been slightly annoying to live with; the sort of guy who always has to have his notebook and pen (ok, tablet and stylus) and I bet he didn’t do much washing-up with that detached attitude. Or maybe, even worse, he did, every now and then, with a sort of set, grim, martyred expression – ‘I’m just being stoical, darling.’ And, he probably made a note of it. To me, it just doesn’t smack of having to do housework and childcare and work and generally deal with stuff that makes a lot of us get just a tad hysterical. But it does pick up on a number of concepts (including ‘flow’) and I am especially drawn to the idea that on the one hand this is the only way, and on the other, the moment is all that is ever gone. It’s sort of like saying don’t worry, and don’t even worry about being happy, or resentful. 

Actually Freud said it quite well too: that a worthwhile goal (in his case, the goal of psychoanalysis,) is to transform ‘hysterical misery into ordinary human unhappiness.’

So next time your poor, over-burdened, anxious, and put-upon soul gets told it can be released, or made better if you only buy it whichever product it is for £4.99, just stop for a minute and think about that nice, ordinary, non-aspirational unhappiness. In fact, tell yourself, it’s a lifestyle choice.

One other thing – there is a lovely book, written, by of all people, Sylvia Plath, called ‘The It-Doesn’t-Matter Suit.’ Now this is a great story, just about putting on a magic yellow suit, that’s like a piece of armour.  The main man (seven-year-old boy) is called Max Nix, which possibly translates to a big, fat, zero, but we have happiness and yellow clothes and nothingness and families and the construct of her eventual ending all tied around a little, lovely book. Any of you write nicely enough to me, I’ll send you my copy. 

‘It is a handsome suit!’ said Paul.

‘Light as a feather!’ said Emil.

‘Bright as butter!’ said Otto.

‘Warm as toast!’ said Walter.

‘Simply fine!’ said Hugo.

‘Dandy!’ said Johann.

‘O my!’ said Max.

That gives you an idea. But the best thing is that although it appears to be bright and merry, we all know there must be a hidden, darker, meaning in there, because of how she eventually went. Her ending kind of eclipses the book’s. As Marcus Aurelius might have said, on being asked what sort of pillar of society he was, ‘Isn’t it Ionic?’

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