Young People - Sex and the Broken Society

"Epidemiology is like a bikini. What is revealed is interesting. What is concealed is crucial." 

Huge apologies to whoever said this, as I don't have a source. But just bear it in mind as you consider how you feel when you read hysterical headlines about teenage pregnancies 'rocketing' in Britain? If you are a young adult, doesn't this make you feel a bit picked upon? As though you're being spied upon? Maybe you feel worried and a little threatened? 

If you are a parent, don't you feel as though you are a failure? 

What the newspapers aren't saying is that almost everywhere in the world, (according to a study from The Lancet) most people first have sex between the ages of 15 and 19. And as or our teen pregnancies, many other, more sensible newspapers and sites are reporting that in fact, in the UK, there has been a 'slight rise, for the first time in five years.'

Men are more likely to start having sex before girls or young women do, and there is no discernable worldwide trend towards more sex at an earlier age. More people are having what might be called pre-marital sex, particularly in the West, where it is also more likely that people will have more partners, however monogamy is still the dominant type of relationship. And finally, in countries where women are increasingly likely to marry young, they are less likely to first have sex before marriage. 

(As an aside, in many countries, marriage actually just used to be defined as the act of two people living together, or having mated. Which confuses things slightly. Under this definition, pre-marital sex is still possible if you are both living in your own respective parents' or carers' houses, but if you're living with the person then it can't be pre-marital sex. A bit like 'insanity', marriage is really a legal state.)

We often hear about sex being treated as a commodity. Seeing first experiences being documented like this is enough to make you wonder who exactly is using sex as a commodity? Young people who are finding out about themselves, their changing bodies and attitudes? Or the newspapers, who, as newspaper sales are hit hard by the digital age, are increasingly desperate to write attention-grabbing headlines with little factual foundation? 

It is important to remember that for a young person, one of their rites of passage is to claim ownership of their bodies. A lot of parents start out (naturally) feeling that they 'own' their children. As children grow and develop, the whole basis of how they can turn out in later life is to do with how they negotiate with their parents or carers over their need for more freedom, over their own bodies and over where they go, how long for and with whom. In this context, it is hugely important that children and young people do not just see sex as a physical act - it is a complex, multilayered process, to do with identity, past history, social situation and confidence, that, not unlike electricity, has a history of having been treated as a commodity, but that in fact should perhaps be quantified (or qualified) in other ways. 

Many of the papers bang on about 'how sex should not just be an act' and then go on to treat it as just that by counting the numbers of occasions it has taken place and the number of partners that an 'average' young person in the UK might have had. 

In fact, sex is one of the most difficult things to quantify. You can talk about the male orgasm and say that if ejaculation has taken place in one (or all) of a number of areas, a sex act might have taken place. But what about the female orgasm? What about young women who can have intense feelings that are almost orgasmic without them having even been touched? What about when sex takes place in the head? What about penetration without ejaculation? What about orgasms that are so mechanical it's as though a person doesn't experience them?

In fact a lot of sex takes place in the head, and is to do with how people feel about themselves (not surprisingly). Not to do with 'part a had x effect on part b'. 

Let's stop counting partners and penetration and start thinking about how to make young people feel more confident about taking ownership of their bodies and minds. 

If you are a teacher, you will know how important it is to have 'high expectations' of the young people that you are in touch with. It is also important to use statistics wisely. Teenage pregnancies might be on the increase in Britain, but it's not necessarily for the reasons being quoted, or with the assumed associated behaviours of increasingly younger first sexual contacts. In order to help young people it's definitely important to understand what's going on, and not be led by a few columnists (and, to be fair, many concerned people as well) who wield statistics like untrained mercenaries. 

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How do I choose a Counsellor or Psychotherapist?

Calls to counsellors and therapists are on the increase, as we are subjected not only to stories about the trouble that we are in economically, socially and generally, but also as jobs are lost, debts suddenly become unmanageable and it all gets too much for us. Families and marriages can be put under almost intolerable pressure as financial problems lead to divided opinions on what are basically your living priorities.

However, some of us are put off from asking for help by the fact that it’s almost impossible to choose a complete stranger to whom we know it’s possible we might end up baring our souls.

For those with little or no money, in fact, choosing a counsellor isn’t a problem; there is no choice. The first route to ending up in counselling can be by going to see your doctor and telling them you’re depressed and can’t cope. In many ways, this is the easiest option – you should be referred to an NHS counsellor who will contact you and give you a list of times at which you could come for an initial appointment. No decisions to make over who and what, but a few over when and why and how.

Some might hesitate at this point. The appointment times can be difficult. Many of us under pressure are in this position because we literally have no time. We’re working two or more jobs, we have children, we work compressed hours or whatever, and the hours for appointments can seem a little unforgiving. You can ask for time off work to see a counsellor, but we are in a period where we feel under scrutiny from our employers. It’s easy to feel that we are being watched, and it has to be said that many employers, still make negative and insensitive remarks about depression that make you feel like you would rather run a mile than say you want time off to see a mental health professional.

So, don’t panic. (Even if you suffer from panic attacks.) In fact, although I wouldn’t advocate the use of anti-depressants or tranquilisers alone, seriously, it can be worth chatting to your doctor about your fears, and getting a short-term prescription (if they feel this is appropriate) for anti-depressants or tranquilisers, that will help you to take the deep breath that you might need in order to talk seriously to yourself, not your employer, about your needs.

Look at it this way. You want to earn money. You want to do this the best way you can. Whether or not you like your job, most of the problems you face at work (if you do) will be as a result of the relationships you have with people there. The way in which you relate to people can very much be influenced by factors that you will probably end up discussing with your counsellor. Do whatever it takes to get that first appointment, unless you know that it could seriously threaten your job. Don’t feel bad about phoning in sick, or saying you have a family emergency. Sometimes the end justifies the means. You could be taking the first step that, over time will make you a better and more confident and more productive worker. (Though saying ‘more productive’ kind of sounds a bit Victorian slaver-driver.) Get that appointment, however silly you feel and go, and discuss things.

I will be writing more on what a first session can feel like, but now I’m going to talk about what to do if you haven’t been referred by your doctor.

So you’re in the position of having to actually choose from a selection of counsellors either thrown up by Google or found from the Yellow Pages, or maybe given to you by a friend. I’m going to list a number of things to think about that might help in making that final choice.

In fact research has shown that rather than using check-lists to decide whether or not to choose one option over another, using our intuition can often lead to making a good choice. In the meantime, while you decide whether to trust your intuition (after all, if you’re depressed, you might feel you’ve made some bad choices in the past, and have low self-confidence), here are some factors to take into consideration:

Think about the location of your counsellor: Maybe you don’t have your own transport, or you need to get back in time to get the kids from the childminder, or to pick up from school. Unless you’re very worried about ‘being seen’ choose someone near to you. The less obstacles there are to seeing your counsellor, the more likely you are to go, if you decide they are right for you. Counsellors themselves can be nervous about seeing very local people. (They won’t say this though.) Don’t be surprised if in the future, you bump into your counsellor, outside your session, and they aren’t chatty. They are there for you professionally, and one of the ways they do their job best is by NOT being your friend. Friends have opinions, and are involved in what you do. Counsellors and therapists have a valuable objectivity which means they see you without as much prejudice as your friends do.

Type of counselling:

Ok, I’ll be honest here. I have two degrees, and I still get caught out and ask myself ‘what the hell is that?’ when reading about a type of therapy. It might help to try to understand a little about therapeutic approaches. It’s quite normal to think when your counsellor says ‘I’m a … whatever counsellor’, ‘Well does that work, or not?’ In fact there are a lot of different ways to approach helping people. Yes, they have been tested, but it’s quite difficult to collect data on what helps or not. What is quite evident though is that just seeing and talking to someone who is focussed on you, for an hour of your time, that is yours alone, is helpful in itself. (That’s also why, even if you’re a first-time mum with a baby from whom you don’t want to be separated, it’s still good to get child care just for that hour.) So, if you can, find out a little about different types of therapy, and then at least you know what they’re talking about. Then if you know what you want, check the counsellor’s profile to see if that’s what they offer. Most will offer a mix. Cognitive Behavioural Therapy is very popular (and mostly, effective, at present.)

On the other hand, don’t worry too much if you’re not pre-armed with this information. They are still there to help you, and you alone – when a mechanic fixes your car you don’t really need a degree in engineering so you understand how they’re doing it.

Professional Accreditation:

Would you like to see a counsellor/psychotherapist who is a member of a professional body? If they are, they will make it clear on their profile. BACP is definitely good. There are degrees of affiliation: registration, accreditation and membership. However, there is still the possibility that an unqualified person could help – there are natural and sympathetic listeners out there, and being a member of a professional body doesn’t guarantee success. However, unless you are a risk-taker, (in which case you will need to look at this another way), there is less risk attached to seeing someone who is a member of, or linked to, a reputable organization.

Your Counsellor's Qualifications:

Ask for your counsellor’s qualifications. Ask how long they studied and whether full or part-time, whether from home and with what institution.

Fees:
Fee can be variable. They can depend on the location and the experience of the counsellor. Some are open to negotiation. If you don’t have much money, they might even offer you the very difficult option of paying ‘what you can afford.’ This is enough to send you over the edge in itself. What if you’re seeing them because you overspend? It’s going to be difficult to talk openly about how you spent a grand on a handbag you couldn’t afford, if you also have to tell them you can only pay ten pounds an hour. Anyhow, fees can vary from free to around £90 per 50 minute session. On average, expect to pay about £35 - £45 per 50 minute session.

Finally:
Deciding to go to counselling or psychotherapy is a massively important step for you to have taken.  Now, take your time, and try to get a feel for what you want, before making the decision about who to choose. You don’t have to stick to the person you first end up seeing. You don’t have to tell them everything all in one go. You can use the first session just to gauge their response to you. Remember they won’t respond as a friend does. You might be telling them about something quite traumatic and feel short-changed if they don’t respond as you expect. Remember they are there to help you, not to collude with your mood. They are not there to feel your feelings (although some will), they are there for you to talk to them without fear of judgement. Just think about how good it is to talk into an empty space, and then rather than focussing on whether you like them or not, walk away at the end of the session and take time to reflect on how you feel afterwards. Counselling isn’t just about what happens in the 50 minutes, but on the impact of that shorter hour on the rest of your life. You might feel angry or impotent during the session and then find that the rest of your week goes more smoothly than you expected, or that you find yourself taking steps you didn’t expect you would – like trying to address a debt problem, or deal with a difficult boss, or a marriage problem, in a slightly different way than you have before. Most of all, you should remember you have a space and time that is your own.

More on debt and depression

 

Alone in the Dark

Conversation overheard between husband and four-year-old son, as they were going up stairs together:

'Daddy, why is my willy so small?'

'Mmmmh. Well, um, it's not exactly small...' (Pause in journey, to re-group and think how to discuss penises and size without creating 'fertile ground' for complexes later on in life.) 'Yes, it's not small, but it's curled up, which is why it might appear small, to you.'

'Daddy, why is it curled up? Is it because it's afraid? Is it because it's alone in the dark, and it's all afraid?'

(Explosive noise from Daddy, then another pause, while he collects himself.)
'Well, yes, it is alone in the dark for a lot of the time. You'd better get used to it.'

Happy New Year.


www.mother2goddess.eu

Buy Nothing Day

Here's an interesting idea - Saturday 29th November is a day when we are actively encouraged to buy nothing. The concept is being supported by Neil Boorman, author of 'Bonfire of the Brands'.

Neil has made a video, 'Habits of the Good Consumer' to support the notion of spending a day without shopping - a concept that probably strikes fear into the wallet of Alastair Darling, whose main concern seems to be to encourage us all to spend, spend, spend. Of course, we assume that there is a difference between not buying and not spending. Even if I don't go out and get my Saturday cup of coffee, I will still be spending, as the gas and electricity companies have so kindly recently reminded me. 

Although everyone keeps talking about consumer confidence and cite the index as proof of what is really happening to us economically, it is interesting to note that this index is based pretty much on sentiment. That is not to discount what it does, or its implications - but the data are pretty soft. One thousand people a month are interviewed  - and their answers to questions like, 'Is now a good time to make a major purchase such as a house or a car?' are used in the calculation. By the way, I think the answer to the question is, 'Yes, completely, if you've got cash!' So these thousand people are then supposed to be representative of the general population as a whole. Maybe they are, maybe they aren't. It is quite good, I suppose, to ask, 'How confident are you, that if you buy something using borrowing, that you can pay it back with no problems?'

But confidence is a strange thing to measure. What if they happen only to ask depressed people?Maybe their answers might be too negative. Or what if there's a high proportion of depressed people (as a real result of the nowyouseeit, nowyoudon't recession) who are on anti-depressants and thus have an unnaturally buoyant view of things? And what is it we should measure when we decide to buy, say, non-essential items? Is it really confidence? To me, it's more complex and weird than that. I can remember getting my first job and earning money. When I went to the chemist and bought four different very expensive perfumes, it wasn't confidence I felt, more a kind of life-affirming rush. It created in me the feeling that I really was someone, and sadly, it still does. When I go to the library and buy a cup of coffee to drink, it really tastes different because someone has made me that coffee and I have paid for it. I feel like a member of society. Handing over money is a wonderful thing to be able to do. I have at various times of my life been without it, and the overwhelming feeling that I had for most of that time, (apart from hunger) was of being excluded, of not being a member of a club that everyone else was in. I would walk down the high-street and feel like a child on the outside, looking in, watching all the pretty girls and suave-looking men coming out with their bags. Now I know a bit more, I know that a large proportion of these will be actually paying for their goods with dream money. I do occasionally even feel slightly validated by not-spending.

We shoppers owe more than £1.5 trillion in personal debt. What has this actually given us? Well for some of us, that money went on essentials - I used my credit card to fund motherhood. Not exactly responsible you might say, but then I strongly believe that I am bringing up future citizens of the world, and I want them to have a good bond with me. I wanted to be around for the first few years of their lives, rather than go out to work, which it seems is what the government would have preferred. There is plenty of research showing that children benefit from their mother's presence in their early years (or, the continued and stable presence of an adult whom they feel safe with.) So, while a childminder might do, or another family member, I felt that they would benefit most from being around me. Also, motherhood is a funny thing: um, I just plain wanted to be with them. However, time with my children means in effect that I am constantly being pressured to buy (or, consume?) an almost endless stream of plastic crap that is impossible to keep working, keep together or even dispose of responsibly. 

Sharing, swapping, repairing, fixing, even creating - all of these are things that can really help to hold off the plastic crap consumption. I feel personally, that as a mother whose child-rearing skills and responsiblities are completely unacknowledged by my government that we should all be engaging in far more barter and skills-swapping. Let's stop all that money flowing around, and the government skimming off tax with every transaction, and start keeping some of the taxes for ourselves. Until I get paid for being a mum who is doing her best to bring up happy, fair-minded children and turn them into reasonable young adults, I will do my best, not to spend money doing this, and to exchange skills with others instead. 

On the other hand, I would also quite like to encourage the creation of a day that acknowledges the sacrifices that parents make - and no doubt this would be completely cashed in on by merchandising companies if such a thing were ever to take off. And I would want a cut. Oh and can we have a plastic crap consumption index, too please?

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