New Year's Eve

No I’m not cashing in on all the hype that starts around now, but thinking about what can be a very hard time of year for many people. 

Everyone asks, ‘What are you doing for New Year’s Eve?’ and their response to your response (usually in my case, a shame-faced mumble) can lead to crashing feelings of inadequacy and worthlessness.  There is a huge amount of pressure on us to have a good time, and the gap between what we’re actually feeling and what we think we should be feeling can make the lead-in to the New Year incredibly miserable.

My friend, Steve, at 39, reckons that the pressure can be intolerable. ‘At this time of year, I just want to go and hide. I’m newly single, missing my children, I’m worried about what my ex-wife is doing, and other single people are trying to get me to go out with them, or sign up for an incredibly expensive celebration somewhere, and I really don’t want to.  I can’t afford it anyhow. I can’t bear to be with other couples at the moment – our friends have been really nice and have tried not to take sides, but I can’t bear to see them together. And I’m scared of letting them see that. I’m feeling a lot of pressure and it’s getting worse as the date approaches.’

Not only are there social pressures, but these inevitably will lead to psychological pressures. There is an awful lot of talk about renewal at this time of year. A nauseating amount of pink oozy sweetness flowing from the self-help corner, aimed at ‘enabling’ and ‘transforming,’ ‘facilitating,’ etc etc. You know the kind of thing. (My site is possibly slightly guilty of this.) Makes you want to vomit (unless that happens to be your thing in the first place, in which case it should make you want to not vomit. Or, not to want to vomit.) 

So, suddenly, suddenly, suddenly, we are to transform ourselves, into better, thinner, kinder, non-chocolate-eating, non-expulsive, non-smoking and non-drinking, non-spending, non-fucking, non-grumpy people. What is it about all these self-help books and articles that makes you want to go out and commit terrible acts, possibly even to the authors of these books? 

A great article in the Times yesterday, by Alain be Botton, ‘Seeking words of wisdom,’ considers the fact that in the old days, self-help books, such as those written by Boethius or Marcus Aurelius were a bit more down to earth about what we can expect from life. 

I think Marcus Aurelius might possibly have been talking about how to cope with New Year’s Eve, here:

“When you let yourself feel resentment at a thing, you forget that nothing can come about except in obedience to Nature; that any misconduct in the matter was none of yours; and moreover, that this is the only way in which things have always happened, will always happen, and always do happen. You are forgetting, too, the closeness of man’s brotherhood with his kind; a brotherhood not of blood or human seed, but of a common intelligence; and that this intelligence in every man is God, an emanation from the deity. You forget that nothing is properly a man’s own, for even his child, his body, his soul, all come from the same God; also that all things depend upon opinion; also that the passing moment is all that a man can ever live or lose.” (Translation by Maxwell Staniforth.)

I think that Marcus might have been slightly annoying to live with; the sort of guy who always has to have his notebook and pen (ok, tablet and stylus) and I bet he didn’t do much washing-up with that detached attitude. Or maybe, even worse, he did, every now and then, with a sort of set, grim, martyred expression – ‘I’m just being stoical, darling.’ And, he probably made a note of it. To me, it just doesn’t smack of having to do housework and childcare and work and generally deal with stuff that makes a lot of us get just a tad hysterical. But it does pick up on a number of concepts (including ‘flow’) and I am especially drawn to the idea that on the one hand this is the only way, and on the other, the moment is all that is ever gone. It’s sort of like saying don’t worry, and don’t even worry about being happy, or resentful. 

Actually Freud said it quite well too: that a worthwhile goal (in his case, the goal of psychoanalysis,) is to transform ‘hysterical misery into ordinary human unhappiness.’

So next time your poor, over-burdened, anxious, and put-upon soul gets told it can be released, or made better if you only buy it whichever product it is for £4.99, just stop for a minute and think about that nice, ordinary, non-aspirational unhappiness. In fact, tell yourself, it’s a lifestyle choice.

One other thing – there is a lovely book, written, by of all people, Sylvia Plath, called ‘The It-Doesn’t-Matter Suit.’ Now this is a great story, just about putting on a magic yellow suit, that’s like a piece of armour.  The main man (seven-year-old boy) is called Max Nix, which possibly translates to a big, fat, zero, but we have happiness and yellow clothes and nothingness and families and the construct of her eventual ending all tied around a little, lovely book. Any of you write nicely enough to me, I’ll send you my copy. 

‘It is a handsome suit!’ said Paul.

‘Light as a feather!’ said Emil.

‘Bright as butter!’ said Otto.

‘Warm as toast!’ said Walter.

‘Simply fine!’ said Hugo.

‘Dandy!’ said Johann.

‘O my!’ said Max.

That gives you an idea. But the best thing is that although it appears to be bright and merry, we all know there must be a hidden, darker, meaning in there, because of how she eventually went. Her ending kind of eclipses the book’s. As Marcus Aurelius might have said, on being asked what sort of pillar of society he was, ‘Isn’t it Ionic?’

www.Mother2Goddess.eu

Buy Nothing Day

Here's an interesting idea - Saturday 29th November is a day when we are actively encouraged to buy nothing. The concept is being supported by Neil Boorman, author of 'Bonfire of the Brands'.

Neil has made a video, 'Habits of the Good Consumer' to support the notion of spending a day without shopping - a concept that probably strikes fear into the wallet of Alastair Darling, whose main concern seems to be to encourage us all to spend, spend, spend. Of course, we assume that there is a difference between not buying and not spending. Even if I don't go out and get my Saturday cup of coffee, I will still be spending, as the gas and electricity companies have so kindly recently reminded me. 

Although everyone keeps talking about consumer confidence and cite the index as proof of what is really happening to us economically, it is interesting to note that this index is based pretty much on sentiment. That is not to discount what it does, or its implications - but the data are pretty soft. One thousand people a month are interviewed  - and their answers to questions like, 'Is now a good time to make a major purchase such as a house or a car?' are used in the calculation. By the way, I think the answer to the question is, 'Yes, completely, if you've got cash!' So these thousand people are then supposed to be representative of the general population as a whole. Maybe they are, maybe they aren't. It is quite good, I suppose, to ask, 'How confident are you, that if you buy something using borrowing, that you can pay it back with no problems?'

But confidence is a strange thing to measure. What if they happen only to ask depressed people?Maybe their answers might be too negative. Or what if there's a high proportion of depressed people (as a real result of the nowyouseeit, nowyoudon't recession) who are on anti-depressants and thus have an unnaturally buoyant view of things? And what is it we should measure when we decide to buy, say, non-essential items? Is it really confidence? To me, it's more complex and weird than that. I can remember getting my first job and earning money. When I went to the chemist and bought four different very expensive perfumes, it wasn't confidence I felt, more a kind of life-affirming rush. It created in me the feeling that I really was someone, and sadly, it still does. When I go to the library and buy a cup of coffee to drink, it really tastes different because someone has made me that coffee and I have paid for it. I feel like a member of society. Handing over money is a wonderful thing to be able to do. I have at various times of my life been without it, and the overwhelming feeling that I had for most of that time, (apart from hunger) was of being excluded, of not being a member of a club that everyone else was in. I would walk down the high-street and feel like a child on the outside, looking in, watching all the pretty girls and suave-looking men coming out with their bags. Now I know a bit more, I know that a large proportion of these will be actually paying for their goods with dream money. I do occasionally even feel slightly validated by not-spending.

We shoppers owe more than £1.5 trillion in personal debt. What has this actually given us? Well for some of us, that money went on essentials - I used my credit card to fund motherhood. Not exactly responsible you might say, but then I strongly believe that I am bringing up future citizens of the world, and I want them to have a good bond with me. I wanted to be around for the first few years of their lives, rather than go out to work, which it seems is what the government would have preferred. There is plenty of research showing that children benefit from their mother's presence in their early years (or, the continued and stable presence of an adult whom they feel safe with.) So, while a childminder might do, or another family member, I felt that they would benefit most from being around me. Also, motherhood is a funny thing: um, I just plain wanted to be with them. However, time with my children means in effect that I am constantly being pressured to buy (or, consume?) an almost endless stream of plastic crap that is impossible to keep working, keep together or even dispose of responsibly. 

Sharing, swapping, repairing, fixing, even creating - all of these are things that can really help to hold off the plastic crap consumption. I feel personally, that as a mother whose child-rearing skills and responsiblities are completely unacknowledged by my government that we should all be engaging in far more barter and skills-swapping. Let's stop all that money flowing around, and the government skimming off tax with every transaction, and start keeping some of the taxes for ourselves. Until I get paid for being a mum who is doing her best to bring up happy, fair-minded children and turn them into reasonable young adults, I will do my best, not to spend money doing this, and to exchange skills with others instead. 

On the other hand, I would also quite like to encourage the creation of a day that acknowledges the sacrifices that parents make - and no doubt this would be completely cashed in on by merchandising companies if such a thing were ever to take off. And I would want a cut. Oh and can we have a plastic crap consumption index, too please?

www.Mother2Goddess.eu

At the End of the Day

Lovely! Oxford have compiled, whoops! I mean Oxford has compiled a list of the top ten most irritating phrases. Nope, Oxford itself hasn't, unless the memes are coming on thick and strong there; in fact, researchers at Oxford have compiled this list:

The top ten most irritating phrases:

At the end of the day
Fairly unique
I personally
At this moment in time
With all due respect
Absolutely
It's a nightmare
Shouldn't of
24/7
It's not rocket science

This is part of the work that has gone into 'Damp Squib.' We learn that we use language in chunks of words - as one linguist put it, "we know words by the company that they keep." Run all the top ten phrases together and you get a feeling that some chav-football-commentator-sales-manager entity is perhaps desperately sending out a mating call.

Which particular misuse of language gets me hopping mad? Well who cares really? But I'm going to say anyway. It's the fact that so many people: journalists, writers, politicians, (yes, they are all people, despite some rumours to the contrary) are constantly (or, perhaps continually?) saying that they refute things, when they mean that they actually just disagree with what is being said. If you refute something, you have to go ahead and disprove what is being said. As far as I know, if at the beginning of a trial, a defendant is said to refute the charges, then surely there is no need to go ahead with the trial. Doh!

On the other hand, our erratic linguistic behaviours and constantly misplaced and amalgamated meanings are what make life such fun. Personally, I do some of my best thinking in the box.

Mother2Goddess

Cradle to Grave with Some Humour

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Mother2Goddess

Alone Grieving at Christmas

Christmas is coming up and this is a very difficult time of year for many of us who might be alone, or struggling to bring up children on their own, and also possibly suffering from problems with debts, or with job losses. 

On I'm A Celebrity last night, Esther Rantzen was overwhelmed by a wave of grief as she was reminded of not only all that she had left behind, but also the very sad fact that even when she returns home, her husband won't be there. 

This is a very public reminder to those of us who struggle with feelings of loss, that grieving can be unpredictable, public and overwhelming. It knows no social boundaries. It comes in waves, and can be embarrassing - it can get you in the supermarket, or going for a walk, or waiting for a bus. You might hear a song, or even walk past someone's garden with plants in that your lost loved one used to like (or dislike.) If you are having problems coping with these feelings, there are many bereavement organisations that can help you out - just having someone to chat to about these things can be incredibly helpful. 

It is sometimes hard talking to family members - you might know something about the person who died that no-one else knows, or might be angry that they have left you struggling alone. They might have abused you, or not told you they were dying. They might have got themselves killed by doing something stupid. Or by sacrificing themselves for the greater good - you might selfishly hate them for having joined the Armed Forces, for example, or even for having been a revolutionary, sticking up for a principle. You might think that some of what you feel is inappropriate. Family members might be angry at you, or each other, especially if the person concerned was a suicide. This is why it helps to talk to non-family members, so that you can step back from the agreement that has to be involved in the social family process of 'creating a memory' of a loved one.

Some forms of separation can leave you feeling like you are grieving for someone who has died. If you find out that your partner has been unfaithful and they leave you for a new love, this is like another form of death, as you mourn the loss of the person who you believed in, as well as the loss of your old, trusting self, and the birth of a new, more (it can feel like) distrustful person.

There are some great books on grief; Elizabeth Kubler-Ross wrote and explored the process of grieving in an intelligent way. For children coping with loss, Michael Rosen's 'The Sad Book' is an absolute (and acknowledged) masterpiece, for which he deserves to win just about every prize going. Also, Sharon Creech's 'Walk Two Moons' and for younger children, 'Badger's Parting Gifts' by Susan Varley. 

Although confronting and exploring grief can seem very frightening - it is sometimes a bit like in the fairy tales: turn around on the monster and confront it, and it can become more of a companion. It might be with you for life, but it should eventually shrink and become more manageable. 

Do see your doctor and think seriously about anti-depressants and/or counselling if it all becomes too much. These are very effective forms of therapy (usually most effective together), and should get you through the worst of the process. 

And finally - back to Christmas - if you are feeling bad, think of others. This is one of the best ways to lift you out of yourself for a while. Locally, Gosport Voluntary Action are always looking for help.  It wouldn't do any harm just to go along and say hello to the lovely people who work there. This is not to say, 'snap out of it,' or anything like that, but if you can find others who need a hand, or support someone more vulnerable than yourself, by whatever means you have at your disposal, then this may well help you to restore your sense of self, and your feeling of being a capable, loving person, if this has been in any way diminished.

Mother2Goddess