Christmas is coming up and this is a very difficult time of year for many of us who might be alone, or struggling to bring up children on their own, and also possibly suffering from problems with debts, or with job losses. On I'm A Celebrity last night, Esther Rantzen was overwhelmed by a wave of grief as she was reminded of not only all that she had left behind, but also the very sad fact that even when she returns home, her husband won't be there.
This is a very public reminder to those of us who struggle with feelings of loss, that grieving can be unpredictable, public and overwhelming. It knows no social boundaries. It comes in waves, and can be embarrassing - it can get you in the supermarket, or going for a walk, or waiting for a bus. You might hear a song, or even walk past someone's garden with plants in that your lost loved one used to like (or dislike.) If you are having problems coping with these feelings, there are many bereavement organisations that can help you out - just having someone to chat to about these things can be incredibly helpful.
It is sometimes hard talking to family members - you might know something about the person who died that no-one else knows, or might be angry that they have left you struggling alone. They might have abused you, or not told you they were dying. They might have got themselves killed by doing something stupid. Or by sacrificing themselves for the greater good - you might selfishly hate them for having joined the Armed Forces, for example, or even for having been a revolutionary, sticking up for a principle. You might think that some of what you feel is inappropriate. Family members might be angry at you, or each other, especially if the person concerned was a suicide. This is why it helps to talk to non-family members, so that you can step back from the agreement that has to be involved in the social family process of 'creating a memory' of a loved one.
Some forms of separation can leave you feeling like you are grieving for someone who has died. If you find out that your partner has been unfaithful and they leave you for a new love, this is like another form of death, as you mourn the loss of the person who you believed in, as well as the loss of your old, trusting self, and the birth of a new, more (it can feel like) distrustful person.
There are some great books on grief; Elizabeth Kubler-Ross wrote and explored the process of grieving in an intelligent way. For children coping with loss, Michael Rosen's 'The Sad Book' is an absolute (and acknowledged) masterpiece, for which he deserves to win just about every prize going. Also, Sharon Creech's 'Walk Two Moons' and for younger children, 'Badger's Parting Gifts' by Susan Varley.
Although confronting and exploring grief can seem very frightening - it is sometimes a bit like in the fairy tales: turn around on the monster and confront it, and it can become more of a companion. It might be with you for life, but it should eventually shrink and become more manageable.
Do see your doctor and think seriously about anti-depressants and/or counselling if it all becomes too much. These are very effective forms of therapy (usually most effective together), and should get you through the worst of the process.
And finally - back to Christmas - if you are feeling bad, think of others. This is one of the best ways to lift you out of yourself for a while. Locally, Gosport Voluntary Action are always looking for help. It wouldn't do any harm just to go along and say hello to the lovely people who work there. This is not to say, 'snap out of it,' or anything like that, but if you can find others who need a hand, or support someone more vulnerable than yourself, by whatever means you have at your disposal, then this may well help you to restore your sense of self, and your feeling of being a capable, loving person, if this has been in any way diminished.
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